In 2007 I bought a stack of composition notebooks, a few artsy journals, and really cool pens. At the insistence of a friend willing to hold me accountable, I reluctantly jotted down three things I’d been grateful for each day. I wrote the same three things every day for weeks - my daughter, my pups, and either friends or a roof over my head. I despised the act of considering gratitude when I felt broken, sad, and angry at the world following my husband’s death.
Phases of grief come and go, and thank God that phase went somewhere! Many months later I realized my first thoughts when approaching a blank page were not of the profound and unexpected loss of days behind me, but on the days ahead of me. I’d found a bit of strength and leaned on it heavily. The number of journal entries increased and soon I was writing little essays on life’s ups and downs with humorous snippets about rebounding from tragedy. The shift could only be described as a gradual appreciation for upcoming adventure. Yes! The gratitude list expanded!
Now, another phase has blown in like a roaring freight train. A new love miraculously appeared early in the year (2014) but the relationship failed before year end. Solid ground split open and I temporarily fell back into an abyss both familiar and unwanted. Grief, heartbreak, denial, and anger all replayed, the weight of emotional upheaval cracking layers of veneer I’d worked so hard to apply and cure. I lost all focus. The damage weakened my confidence and trust in others.
So how can I be grateful? The keyword above is “temporarily.” This phase, too, shall pass. This time around, based on experience, I know that for sure. The task remains of holding on to that certainty and carrying it forward each day. I’m back to hunting for gratitude and writing down what little bits I find.
Grief is complicated, the healing process not a linear progression as some believe. Moments of self-doubt and raw emotions bear down like a tsunami at unexpected times, receding only in whispers of hope. The trick is to grab onto any raft that floats by - faith, optimism, and humor - and hold on for dear life.
Gratitude is also complicated. The shiny penny doesn’t appear around every corner – unless you pay attention. After my husband’s death I walked several times a day for long periods to ease the pain of sitting still. I found a penny almost every time - on a sidewalk or street, even in the woods. Finding the next penny became my focus and one more thing to be grateful for. I must remember that small beginnings can turn the tide.
I recently saw these words: “Live fully, love fully, laugh fully, lose fully.” Wish I could attribute this to the author, who would hopefully understand their importance in being included here. I’ve been concentrating on “lose.” But Living, Laughing, and Loving are three big things that when placed on a scale far outweigh the one thing.
On a drive home from work it hit me – I needed another hard lesson on loss to get me writing after a lengthy hiatus, a break chosen not because I didn’t have anything to say but because I wanted to relax, to relish all the seemingly ordinary moments of just hanging out with him each evening - without adding more to my day’s work. I’d not done this with my husband much, and I regretted it.
Downtime exists in a different form now that he is gone. Shall I thank the Universe? Yes, if I want to live, laugh, and love more. Strength lies beneath the surface and it’s bubbling up and out. The truth is, though, I’m sick of having to be strong. Lucky for me, stubbornness runs in the family so internal voices force me to look around outside of myself and be more cognizant of many blessings. And write them down. At times when my focus blurs, I call upon the gods of persistence. Ha! I’ve just added “persistence” to my gratitude list today – it’s #18. Not a bad day!
Feeling lost, depressed, worried or a bit out of sorts? Keep a grateful journal for 30 days. Don’t quit. Write at least three things every day, more if you can. Don’t worry about what you write, just write. My wish is that you’ll feel a little better and find the process easier as the days go by, and that you’ll continue the writing beyond that first month. Let me know how you’re doing!
Website with an interesting title: http://whoamiwithouthim.com/